Wednesday, June 18, 2008
On Sunday, and more accurately lately in general, I have been having strong feelings that I believe are from God. I was listening to the sermon and started to really think about the status of our lives (our=nick and i) and I keep having the same thoughts over and over again in my mind:
I feel like God has big plans for us and that we are meant for so much more than what we are doing right now.
I feel like we aren't meant to be living where we are, and that we are meant to be growing closer and more in sync with God somewhere else. I don't feel like we can be doing that to the fullest extent where we are right now.
I feel like our church (which i have gone to my whole life) is not close like a family anymore and I don't feel comfortable sharing or getting close to others there.
Same with our bible study. I don't feel comfortable sharing personal stuff and i don't feel like we are growing at all.
I just feel like we are meant for so much more than what is happening right now in our life and that starting out fresh somewhere else would be amazing for us.
All this stuff I really felt this Sunday during the church sermon, like God tugging at my heart. And it didn't stop there, it has been strong ever since.
Nick doesn't feel this way at all and thinks that if he doesn't have it on his heart than it is not really from God, because why would God tell us different things? How can this be, if I am feeling such the opposite and so strongly about it? Is it wrong for me to think these things? Am I just imagining that it is from God and it is really my own selfish desires? I really don't think it is, but I just don't see how Nick doesn't feel it it at all.
I have talked to a few close friends about this, and all agreed that you as a married couple might not feel the same way about a situation at the same time, but that you need to respect each others opinions and look to God even more to find out the answer. Another friend pointed out that it might be because of my age (he mentioned 4 different examples of people my exact age going through something similar). Who knows but God?
I just know that I feel really strongly about being meant for so much more somewhere other than here; other than po-dunk little Ramona which I have never really left. It is a big world out there, and I think that there are greater things to be done elsewhere, if we just allow God to take us as a couple somewhere not necessarily in our comfort zone. To be honest, I am sick of my comfort zone. I want to meet new people, get involved in new groups, go somewhere where everyone doesn't know me and associate me as simply "Janice's Daughter" or "One of those Jones Girls" or "Nick's Wife" if that makes sense. I want to be my own person, and to establish a new identity of the person I have become and the woman of God that I am growing into more everyday. I know that may sound like I am running away from stuff, but really I am not. I just want a chance for people to get to know the real me, without any preconceived notions.
I know that that is a lot, and if you read the whole thing I congratulate you. This is more like a vent and resting place for my thoughts for a bit, but if you have any comment feel free as well.
Posted by Heather at 11:46 PM